There's a game called Checkout where there's grocery items and it's how much you think the manufacturer's suggested retail price is and we add up your total, then your total has to be within $2 of the regular total. I don't think I could ever win that game.

I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.

I don't think there's hardly a comic out there that does clean material all the way around. There's a couple of guys that are clean, but I'm not one of them.

I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'

I could still eat a cheeseburger if I wanted to. I just can't have them every day.

Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?

Exercise is the main thing that helped me lose weight.