Who ever thought that the world-famous Captain Obvious was really mild-mannered Colin Mochrie?

I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'

I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them.

As far as your personal goals are and what you actually want to do with your life, it should never have to do with the government. You should never depend on the government for your retirement, your financial security, for anything. If you do, you're screwed.

I wish I could end every rap song I didn't like with a buzzer.

There is no such thing as too much fun. People need to know it is O.K. to tell jokes and be happy.

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.