I see my face in the mirror and go, 'I'm a Halloween costume? That's what they think of me?'

I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.

I don't know, people take chances on stage. It's a big free speech zone, a comedy show. So sometimes things happen, you say things that are a little bit off the edge.

The hardest diet I was ever on was the one when I was fat. You can only wear fat clothes, you don't feel good, your sex life gets damaged, you don't have energy for anything. It's horrible.

Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.

Violence doesn't solve anything? World War I. World War II. Star Wars. Every Super Bowl. Who says violence doesn't solve anything?

Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.