I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.

I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.

I actually was worried about the pounding, but I actually love running more than working out on the elliptical. Now if I get on the elliptical, I feel like I'm trapped.

You know what I worry about? I worry that when I hit my head, it pushes my hair into my brain, and it will eventually kill me.

In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're Transportation Captains.

Everybody in Hollywood loves symbolic gestures.

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.