I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.

TV is easier: it's all planned out for you, and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up, but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over. To me, that's more pure.

Who ever thought that the world-famous Captain Obvious was really mild-mannered Colin Mochrie?

The hardest diet I was ever on was the one when I was fat. You can only wear fat clothes, you don't feel good, your sex life gets damaged, you don't have energy for anything. It's horrible.

It sucks being fat, you know.

I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet.

I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.