It sucks being fat, you know.

I tried out for 'Jeopardy' once, when they came to Cleveland, but I didn't make it.

When I play poker, I don't like losing the pot.

Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.

Libertarians are essentially what the Republicans were 30 years ago. Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan. They'd all fit more under the Libertarian label than the modern day Republican label.

The easiest diet is, you know, eat vegetables, eat fresh food. Just a really sensible healthy diet like you read about all the time.

I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.