You know what I worry about? I worry that when I hit my head, it pushes my hair into my brain, and it will eventually kill me.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

I learned how to believe in myself. Learned how to set goals, you know, self help books man. I just read every single one I can get a hold of, and I still do.

I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.

I loved the old stories in National Lampoon, like the original story the movie Vacation was based on. I used to laugh at them until I cried.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.