When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Like I said, all comedy is based on exaggeration, big or small, whatever you can get away with.

I think that if anyone bothered to take a survey, they would find a sharp decline in atheism during the winters in Cleveland, Ohio.

I don't miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.

I'm not a good lover, but at least I'm fast.

The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.

Listen, you don't know any better so I'll just tell you. You can't try to save money by not having the right beer. You know, you can skip having medical insurance, you can buy everything you own at a swap meet but the right beer is what makes living like this possible.