I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.

Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?

Libertarians are conservatives who still get high.

The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

Nothing's funny about someone who's successful.