When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.

I didn't get a high school diploma. I really didn't have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself throughout my life, without the limitations on intellectual curiosity a formal education can impose. I followed what interested me.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.

My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.