When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.

My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.

I've never been able to write for stand-up.

Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.