When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.