While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.