Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.

I didn't get a high school diploma. I really didn't have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself throughout my life, without the limitations on intellectual curiosity a formal education can impose. I followed what interested me.

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

I've never been able to write for stand-up.