Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.

President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.