I didn't get a high school diploma. I really didn't have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself throughout my life, without the limitations on intellectual curiosity a formal education can impose. I followed what interested me.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.