When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.

I've never been able to write for stand-up.

Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have bullfighting.

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.

Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.