I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live?

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?