I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

I've never been able to write for stand-up.

I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? . . . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper.

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.