I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.

I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? . . . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?