The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start shaving my legs above the knee again."

I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?

Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.