I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'