I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.