I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.

I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.