I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.

Wouldn’t it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, “Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub”.

I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.

I've never been able to write for stand-up.

There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.