I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.