People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'

I didn't get a high school diploma. I really didn't have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself throughout my life, without the limitations on intellectual curiosity a formal education can impose. I followed what interested me.

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.