I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.

People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do math.

I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.