Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers.

I've never been able to write for stand-up.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded.

Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected.