Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.

Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.