Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.

We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.