Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!

Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something.

As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year.