Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying.

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper.

I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots.

My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.

I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.