Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naïve hope.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star.

There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.