When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'