When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.