When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.