At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"