At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic".

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.