At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.