A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.