A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.