A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.