A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.