In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.