In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.