I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.