I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.