My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.