I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.