I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.