Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.