Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.