Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.