Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.