I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.