Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.