They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.