They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you'll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn't easy, but I try - you'll be just as far ahead as if you'd spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.