The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'