The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.