The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.