The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.