I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.