I've been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I'm pleased to say I've won.

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that's a nice service that many of them provide.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.