I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.