I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.