My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

I've been at stand-up 26 years now: After a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.