My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.