My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.