A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.