A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.