A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.