The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.