The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.