The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.