The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.