I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".