I'm not as good a swimmer as I used to be - thanks to evolution.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.