When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.