When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.