When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.