When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.