I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.