I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.