I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!