Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.