Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.