Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

I've always kind of pushed the envelope in terms of trying to get away with things no one else was going near. I always thought of myself like a mouse trying to get cheese that no one else could get without getting their tail snipped off.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.