Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

Well, my brother says 'Hello.' So, hooray for speech therapy.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'