If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off of it for one.

I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements.

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'