I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.
Emo PhilipsMy mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
Emo PhilipsI love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.
Emo Philips