Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.