Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

The other night, the president gave a speech. He said, "children are our most prescious natural resource". I thought, "let's hope it never comes to that".

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'