Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that?

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.